Current mood:	embarrassed
Entry tags:	emo woe, me

Dear Self: STOP IT
I dislike myself so much sometimes... I believe my friends when they say I'm fun to be around, but my personality flaws are so glaring and obvious that I don't know how they put up with the bad long enough to get to the good.

I hate that I talk so much sometimes, and I often interrupt people even though I don't mean to. I also tend to complain a lot about every little thing I think instead of keeping it to myself. I realize I'm doing it but it's like I can't stop myself. I hate that I have absolutely no control over my own behavior. I try but all this crap still comes out of my mouth. Stuff people don't care about, complain, complain, complain. It's like all I know how to do to make conversation is just to complain about things that irritate me, and it's like I love doing it, but I hate it. Why is complaining so satisfying? Why can't I control myself?

It's one thing with my friends, who are kind of just used to it, but I feel really bad when I meet new people and I'm like "Hi! Nice to meet you! Here's a list of things I hate!" or when Keith brings me along to hang out with his friends and I'm like "Hi! I'm cold! I'm hungry! I'm stressed out from school! Sometimes I feel like my life is a complete failure! :D How are you!?" Man, I don't want to be that girlfriend that everyone has to put up with.

The worst part is, I'm always so self-conscious about this that when someone, no matter how nicely, points out to me that I'm kinda acting not my greatest, I get super butthurt and embarrassed and then either turn into a giant bitch or start crying, or both in any particular order. (This entry prompted by Keith, as nicely as possible, admitting that he was pretty tired of hearing me griping about ____, and me... getting all butthurt, clamping up for the rest of the time I was there, and then crying all the way home about how much I suck... then realizing that this was like the fourth time I've done this to him, sending him stupid text message apologies and being a big dumb girl in general... it was a mess. Thankfully hormones are always there for me to blame.)

I need to pretend that I am Victorian lady and if I don't behave there will be a scandal and everyone will give me the stink eye the next time I go into the teahouse.