I dislike myself so much sometimes... I believe my friends when they say I'm fun to be around, but my personality flaws are so glaring and obvious that I don't know how they put up with the bad long enough to get to the good.

I hate that I talk so much sometimes, and I often interrupt people even though I don't mean to. I also tend to complain a lot about every little thing I think instead of keeping it to myself. I realize I'm doing it but it's like I can't stop myself. I hate that I have absolutely no control over my own behavior. I try but all this crap still comes out of my mouth. Stuff people don't care about, complain, complain, complain. It's like all I know how to do to make conversation is just to complain about things that irritate me, and it's like I love doing it, but I hate it. Why is complaining so satisfying? Why can't I control myself?

It's one thing with my friends, who are kind of just used to it, but I feel really bad when I meet new people and I'm like "Hi! Nice to meet you! Here's a list of things I hate!" or when Keith brings me along to hang out with his friends and I'm like "Hi! I'm cold! I'm hungry! I'm stressed out from school! Sometimes I feel like my life is a complete failure! :D How are you!?" Man, I don't want to be that girlfriend that everyone has to put up with.

The worst part is, I'm always so self-conscious about this that when someone, no matter how nicely, points out to me that I'm kinda acting not my greatest, I get super butthurt and embarrassed and then either turn into a giant bitch or start crying, or both in any particular order. (This entry prompted by Keith, as nicely as possible, admitting that he was pretty tired of hearing me griping about ____, and me... getting all butthurt, clamping up for the rest of the time I was there, and then crying all the way home about how much I suck... then realizing that this was like the fourth time I've done this to him, sending him stupid text message apologies and being a big dumb girl in general... it was a mess. Thankfully hormones are always there for me to blame.)

I need to pretend that I am Victorian lady and if I don't behave there will be a scandal and everyone will give me the stink eye the next time I go into the teahouse.

Current Mood: embarrassed Current Tags: emo woe, me

  God, I hate that feeling where I have so much to do that I can't figure out what I need to do first, thus I just piddle around on the internet for hours going "what should I do?" and nothing gets done.

OMG. WE ARE GOING TO BE PRODUCTIVE. IT NEEDS TO HAPPEN. SO MUCH TO DO OMFGGGGG.

  Also, last night I celebrated the last day of class by hanging out with friends and making an ass of myself. This always happens. Amanda being social = Amanda making an ass out of herself. This is obviously nature's way of telling me that I should remain here in my room and be a hermit.

Thank you, nature!

Current Mood: groggy Current Music: Gackt - Mirror Current Tags: me, school: college

  Trying to work on my paper but mom's got me all worried and thinking about my future. Oh god. It's a bit too late to worry about this, seeing as I'm graduating in May. I have no clue what to do. I try to put off thinking about it, but when it hits me, argh.

Should I go to grad school? Is it too late for me to take the GRE and apply??
Should I say screw school and go to work?
Should I work for a bit, save money, and then go to grad school?

  As to where I'd go, I randomly want to go to UBC, which is SUCH A BAD IDEA as it is ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CONTINENT. Also, money? I have no money to go to grad school. Well, I suppose I do, but I was saving that money for Amanda's House Fund. More realistically, there's UCF, which would mean I'd be able to stay home with mom and dad, but UCF is evil.

  On the other hand, I am SO TIRED of school. And I just do not have time to study for and take the GRE. I just am ready to stop school. Do I really need a master's to go into editing anyway?

  I also know that I desperately want to learn another language. I refuse to be the stereotypical American who knows only English. I WANT another language. I'd like to take up Japanese again, only because of all the languages I've taken classes for, it was the one I did best in (pronunciation hella easy, unlike French, also, not dead, unlike Latin) -- until they threw kanji at me and I exploded. But I can try again, dammit! Only problem is I screwed myself over by taking it at BCC in 12th grade -- so I can't take I or II at FSU because I've already TAKEN them (also, don't have enough time). Looked up private tutors online, am interested in that. There are a bunch in Orlando. I am also currently being tempted by reading yukiakari_hime's experiences with AEON, and I've always been interested in doing something like that because I love languages, and I think teaching English would be challenging but somehow sadistically fun, but you'd have to actually, like, live over there, and know how to communicate. And while I know enough to probably breeze by a JPN I class, yeah, I would so die.

  God dammit. I hate thinking about What Happens After School. Currently freaking out, can't work on paper. Dammit dammit dammit. *Eddie Izzard voice* WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DOOO WITH YOUR LIFE!? "I want to work in the sewers and discover sewage that no one has ever discovered before!"

  It just seems like all my friends have their lives all Mapped Out before Them and I am sitting here going "yayz I'm in college whee." Except that I have MERE MONTHS BEFORE I HAVE TO DECIDE THE DIRECTION OF MY LIFE HOLY FRIGGIN CRAP MAN.

Current Mood: AAAAAAUUUUUGHHH Current Music: gnashing of teeth!! Current Tags: aargh, me, teh suck, trauma

  Well, since I have some free time now that all of the essays/projects of DOOM are out of the way, I thought I'd indulge in a little meme. edeainfj did this a while back, and I thought it was a really, really neat idea.

Tell me what you'd like to see a picture of (at my house, my job, my backyard, whatever), and I'll snap it and post it.

  Also, since I live in two different places, if you'd like to see anything that's at my home home, I'll just bookmark this and revive it when I go home next (Thanksgiving, probably... meh). I'll even cart my camera around FSU if you want to see anything (except maybe specific classrooms). So, come on, ask me for something. It'll be fun! I <3 taking photos. :)

  I'm planning on taking pictures of most of this stuff eventually anyway, mostly for memory purposes, so this will only serve to make me do it faster. ;)

Current Mood: chipper Current Tags: me, the internets: memes

  Slowly converting my LJ to the tags system. This means I'm going through all my old, oooolldd entries first and tagging them (I haven't even finished converting all my old blog entries -- 2001 to 2003 -- to LJ). So I have to read through it. Most of it is bad, bad, bad stuff. I was so emo!! "No one likes me, waah," "I'm so lonely, waah," "I can't fit in, waah." Either emo or really obsessed with internet life. Every other entry is an update on my webpage status; "My forum is down!" "My forum is back up!" "Now it's down again!" Like, five entries a day of this.

  Annoying as I was, I did have my good moments sometimes. As much as mom hated it, I'm glad I had a blog. It preserved the bad but also the good. Lots of good documentation of the stupidity of my fellow classmates, lots of random dreams about Malice Mizer and really random details that I honestly would never have remembered if I hadn't written them down. And I make myself laugh sometime. I just snorted water over this one:

  Well... I'm having fun (not) with my new Star Wars game. As I said to Sarah, it's called "Rogue Squadron," but when I play, the title changes to "Let's Kill Luke." I either run him into the ground or into a floating target. It's fun! Either that or I blow up something that's on my side. I can't hit an Imperial Droid, however, I can hit the strolling civilian! And they scream when you nail them too! Yay!

  There is also lots of parental unit humor that makes me miss them as well as remember why they ("they" meaning "dad") drove me crazy.

  On the down side, my favorite fish, my blue betta Mana, is dying. I think he might have Fish Tuberculosis (I probably spelled that wrong), and I'm not joking. The books says that when a fish has tuberculosis, there's no cure and you're supposed to humanely kill them by dashing them against the floor... I love him! He is my favorite fish! Waaah... Mom just came in and said that maybe he is constipated.

  I love my mommy. XD

Current Music: Desi Latino Mix - Dekhta Hoon

Current Tags: me, nostalgia, the internets: lj

  So I was talking to Katie and Josh the other day and we were talking about all the stuff we used to do when we were younger and then dropped (lessons, clubs and such). I have a pretty impressive list (ballet, acting, jazz, gymnastics, soccer, horseback riding, girl scouts, track, oil painting, voilin, clarinet, chorus -- and that's not even counting languages I've attempted, either). The only two I really feel bad about dropping are violin and oil painting. Violin I liked, but I hated that part of being in orchestra was actual performances that you had to rehearse for. It wasn't just getting together after class to play music, which was all I liked. Also, no one ever taught me to read music so I kind of had to fumble my way through. Oil painting was something I actually was good at, but it was too expensive and I was filling the house with large bulky canvases.

  I really regret giving up that stuff. I doubt I could have actually gone somewhere with either of them (not like Sarah S., anyway, who's making her career out of music and makes big bucks playing at weddings and stuff). So last night I was thinking of ways I could get back into either of them. I think that next time I'm at home I'm going to go to the music store and see if I can trade in my old sixth grade violin for a normal-sized one, if the extra doesn't cost too much. Then, I dunno. I suppose I could bring it up here and buy some music and see if I can just improve again by practicing.

  As for the oil painting... well, that's a lot of expensive equiptment, but I think I have an easel and a brush set, and maybe a few little starter canvases. The paint would be the problem. I remember in oil painting class they had a huuuuuge tub o' tubes of every color imaginable.

  Yes. So. I don't know how I think this will work, but... I want to be a renaissance Amanda.

Current Mood: optimistic Current Music: The Daily Show Current Tags: me, ponderings

  Following this really funny post on metaquotes about the "I AM LORD VOLDEMORT" scene, I did some playing and was pleased to discover that I have the right letters for at least "I AM." No "LORD," though, unfortunately.

  I'll cut this to spare you.

( The Marinade Man strikes again! )

  Here's the site, if any of you want to whittle your hours away doing pure nothing. Fun.

Current Mood: nerdy Current Music: Lagaan - Radha Kaise Na Jale Current Tags: amusing shit, me

  Oh yeah. Since I went to the doctor, I now know my official height and weight (it was mostly the height I haven't been clear on for years). I am officially 5'2" and like 1/2 (very disappointing, I thought I was at least 5'3") and 118.8 pounds (with clothes & shoes, of course, but I doubt that adds much).

  Very frustrated at my height. Maybe I did shrink after all.

Current Mood: awake Current Music: Comedy Central Current Tags: me

  Like, I am so hyper right now. OMG. I feel like I'm going to explode. My neck and arms are all tense and shakey at the same time. I feel like I could do backflips around the apartment, but I think that would scare Katie, and I don't think I can do backflips, I just feel like I can do them. That's like being high and thinking you can fly and jumping off a roof or something. So that's a no on backflips.

  Would someone like to frolic with me? Let's frolic together.

  MUST STUDY. NO FROLICKING. THIS IS A NO FROLICKING ZONE.

Current Mood: hyper Current Music: OMGOMGOMGSQUEE Current Tags: me